I have not had much time off from work to dwell on this, but now that I've got a few days to myself to catch up on laundry and reconnect with the outside world, I have been making an ever-more-crippling list of things that are depressing me about August. The list is longer than most Augusts. I hate this month. I am sad because:
1. I am leaving Providence in twelve days.
I've definitely talked extensively about this already, but I'll repeat myself for dramatic effect - I am in love with this place. My life here has changed everything for me. I feel most myself here, probably because I got to start from scratch and act exactly how I felt without worrying about how people would perceive me. And in so doing, I made friends, met interesting people, got heaped with praise for my poetry, and even managed to save up a little money for school. I'm not ready to be ripped from this comfortable but challenging place. I've found my best self and I don't want to lose her when I get back to Hampshire. Not that Hampshire brings out the worst in me... but, well, I'm sure you understand my panic over all of this. I'm just not ready to move out yet. I like this semi-independence. I like it a lot.
2. There aren't enough hours.
This follows the first reason. Being that there is so little time left, I'm trying to cram many things into a small space. Even mentally, this is painful. I've got a bunch of work to do for school that I haven't touched simply because I am intimidated by it. This has not been a very academic summer, even if I have been reading and writing as much as time allows. It feels silly to be so anxious though. I haven't been my regular anxious self for months and for that to come flooding back now is foreboding to say the very least. I need more time!!
3. I want to spend every spare moment in Boston and can't.
This is tied to both of the above. Working nearly every remaining day here and packing in the spare time (for both myself and Kait, who is moving to North Providence at the end of the month) I do have leaves very little recreational time to begin with, but it sucks even harder when I want to be on the Chester Street porch with my very favorite people. I need to find a way to fit another Boston visit in this week. Which brings me back to problem #2, which I wouldn't have if it weren't for the pesky nuisance of problem #1.
Hence the sad face.
But there is at least one good thing about today. Borders rewards members have a coupon to buy one book and get the second half off. So I can go buy more books. Yay!