Welcome To My Bed


_ read a poem
_ write a poem
_ watch a movie
_ catch up with my bicoastal boyfriend
_ read at least 20 pages of Joyce
_ make a collage
_ crochet Totoro's tail
_ ride my bike for an hour
_ start a painting
_ work on care packages

A list of things to do tonight and tomorrow. I'll probably end up watching two movies. And do a lot more than read 20 pages of my book. I'm trying to allow myself to be more ambitious, because that way I will be able to have full days instead of boring ones. I made art all afternoon with Maggie, and wrote a bit in my new paper journal. I also left James several crazed messages where I probably laughed more than I talked, because Maggie and Sherry kept trying to convince me that all he was doing was hanging out at the Playboy mansion, drinking carrot juice with whey protein, shooting porns, having sex with his yoga instructor, falling in love with many many many blondes who were not smokers, and forgetting all about the East Coast and me. Granted, they were kidding, and I definitely thought it was hilarious how stereotyped the New Jersey view of a typical California day is, but it just made me miss him even more.

Long distance relationship business is sort of awful. I am so lonely. I try to fill my days with as much as possible, but even in the moments when I'm not idling around trying to find a decent movie channel, I am constantly wishing we still lived together and I could just walk ten feet and find him smiling at me. It's kind of hard to wrap my head around the fact that he is a 43 hour drive away. No joke. I don't know what I'll do when him living out there isn't just for a summer. Next May, when he leaves for good, I am sure I am going to be a mess. I'm trying not to think about it. I don't want to be with anybody but him. But this never seeing each other situation...I'm not sure how long it could possibly last, especially when I have at least another year of school after he's gone, and no guarantee that I'll move out west once all is said and done. But I don't want to get all worked up. I already have a headache.