Welcome To My Bed

Something gray and beautiful.

New York on Sunday for the AIDS walk, and I'm sure that's what cemented my decision to stay put for the summer. I've been detached from my city for far too long. I need it back in my life. I need a Chinatown shopping day or something. Some time on my own in a place that is just busy and wonderful.

So without Providence looming over my head, I have started slowly unpacking, attempting to situate myself in the most comfortable way possible. This will be a summer of purging. I have so many thing I have outgrown, so many books and clothes and shoes and bullshit that doesn't seem like mine and can only weigh me down. My mom is incredibly reluctant to sell my American Girl doll and all her trimmings because she wants to keep it for when I have a daughter. Lately I've been telling her that I don't want any kids, but she isn't having any of that. I'm too far away from all of that to even begin to consider it realistically. But if I do ever have a daughter, I would want to draw with her on long sunny afternoons, and I would want to take her shopping at street fairs and read her really amazing books when she was falling asleep. In the past couple weeks I've really been dwelling on engagements and marriages (it's the fault of my job and all the soap operas that are always on in this house), and the more I see them, the more I wish I was just a little bit older and in a place where getting engaged just makes sense.

All the rain and clouds seem appropriate. I feel like I am waiting for something big to happen. I kind of wish I could visit James. If I had a car, I would be there in a heartbeat.