Welcome To My Bed

Former-ish smoker.

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So I'm quitting smoking. It's been nearly four solid years of nicotine. But I'm doing it. I just have several complaints. Not about the quitting in general, just in relation to smoking.

1 - The Busy-bodies

Why does everyone and their mom feel the need to tell you that smoking is so horrible for your health? Do you think I am unaware? I know the statistics. I have read several studies. Sure it causes cancer. I know about that. Yes. Yes. Yes, I am aware. Thank you. Now let me find my lighter.

Just because you inform me of the health risks doesn't mean I'm not going to do it anyway until I decide to stop. Just like my mom won't wear her seatbelt. She knows it can cause injuries which can lead to death. So what. She hates seatbelts. I like smoking. No one can convince you that you should or should not do something just by their own force of will.

2 - New Jersey

I can't legally buy cigarettes here, but I can buy them anywhere else in the country? That's just not right. I'll get them anyway. You're not saving anyone.

3 - Menthols

After-dinner palate cleansers and tobacco were never meant to have a love child. Just because both can conceivably follow a dinner out does not mean they should be taken care of in one fell swoop. God...why? Chew some gum. You shouldn't be smoking if you want fresh breath. And it doesn't taste better, it tastes like something has gone horribly wrong with the sensory receptors in your mouth and you need to see a doctor.

4 - Accessory of the evil

Only villains in movies smoke. Yes, I am aware that this is because we don't want to send the message to children that super-cool superheroes smoke a pack a day, nor do we want anyone to be seen as having human habits, but come on. In the eighties, a decent amount of people smoked in movies. Even in movies about the future back then(BLADE RUNNER), there were still cigarettes, and those people were living in LA, the wacky healthy-wealthy-"wise" capital of the world. No one ever pretended they could completely blot them out of the fabric of society. But now, only low class people (Amy Ryan in Gone Baby Gone to give an apt example) or dangerous people (both bald men in Iron Man) are smokers in our portrayal of American culture. And that's just not true. Johnny Depp is not low class, and probably is only slightly dangerous when provoked. In like fashion, plenty of actors smoke in real life. They're the only people in Hollywood who can get away with it. Because everyone else is too busy telling each other how it is the cause of several types of horrific death. But really, smoking doesn't make you evil. Being evil could arguably make you smoke, because being a bad guy is stressful, with the good guy always getting the girl and whatnot. You need an outlet. But anyway. If we're going to show something happening at all, at least be realistic. But I guess we are talking about fictional things here. I can't be so picky.

5 - Birth control

I do not want a perforated uterus. No IUD for me. I do not want intense upper arm pain and effective sterilization as a trade in for excruciating periods. No contraceptive injections either. Cervical caps and spermicides and all that jazz creep me out to no extent. I don't want to have to put something up there to prevent something else from getting up there. I'm sure you understand the vague language. So why is it that the simplest and most commonly used form of female contraceptive discriminates against smokers? I don't pretend to understand the science of it, all I know is that smoking on the pill leads to blood clots and/or cysts in places you don't want cysts. Not that anybody ever wants cysts. But seriously. This is unfair. I am quitting smoking so that I can go on the pill, but don't think I'm not going to complain about it. Yes, I know smoking is bad for my health, I have been told countless times by various nosy people who probably don't care if I live or die anyway. I can't technically buy them where I am right now, and bumming them is almost always out of the question, because I am invariably having to choose between Parliament Lights and Newports, neither of which seems right to me. And clearly I am a super-villain from some unwritten graphic novel series that will one day be a blockbuster mega-hit. But that doesn't mean I don't deserve to have a convenient form of birth control that doesn't involve some foreign plastic/metal object being inserted into my body for whatever amount of time it takes to keep babies from happening. I don't relish sex through a plastic bag. Somebody help. Why is there no pill for smokers?? Why can't vices coexist happily, without producing life-threatening circumstances? Kidding. But I think you understand what I mean.

Sigh. None of this is going to stop me from quitting. I just thought I'd complain before I lost license to do so. And I also want to say that I really love cigarettes. I miss then already, and there's four more left in my last pack.