Welcome To My Bed


New paint color, new carpet, new arguments that I am not included in. Coming home is more bizarre that I expected, which is strange, because it's not like I haven't been back since school started.

I smoked a cigarette in my driveway last night and felt awkward about all the things that I have to hide from my family. My tattoo is the most obvious detail about my life that they are protected from, but they also don't know or don't understand a lot of what I do. Telling them about slam is like describing my paintings to my blind father used to be; something just doesn't translate. They act excited for me, because I sound excited, but they really aren't fully comprehending what it is that I love, which is frustrating.

I feel insane for saying this, but disco fries at the diner last night were more satisfying than turkey and mashed potatoes. I thought that maybe eating meat again would make Thanksgiving feel better for me, but it did nothing. Some of the magic is gone, like watching Disney movies when you're drunk; it's the same thing it's always been, but you laugh at different parts and are kind of withdrawn from the experience as a whole. My family is trying really hard to express how much they've missed me, but they don't really know me anymore. Change has been drastic lately, much more drastic for me than it was for Kaitlin when she was in college and I can see how much it terrifies all of them, I just don't know how to make it better or easier.

My room is clean for the first time in years and I feel out of place. I sleep more than I should just to avoid dealing with anyone. My heart isn't here anymore, as much as I have nostalgic feelings about everything I've been seeing. Numb, that's all that it is. And it would hurt me to think that, but in a way it's probably better like this. I just don't know how much everyone else is going to agree with me if I say anything about it.

I really hope that Christmas isn't this depressing, or it will make moving out for the summer even easier than I had expected it to be.